The scandal of living well

The other day I heard a story. My friend said that at a recent family gathering with his several siblings, one of his aunts said “You know, your grandfather is a really great man and he deserves to see some great-grandchildren before he dies!” The room of course is scandalized by her forwardness. Observing the shocked and uncomfortable looks on the faces of the grandchildren, the grandmother adds, “Well, she’s just saying what we’re all thinking!” That’s the punch line of the story: first, it was outrageous for the aunt to make her remark, but just when we thought it couldn’t get more awkward or inappropriate, the grandmother agrees! Surprise!

Now, I feel bad for my friend in that it must not be easy to have put off adulthood so long that people’s remarks about it have become impatient. I even understand that that can make is harder—make it feel more uncomfortable—to do the right thing. But I really think it is a great portrait of how lost our culture is that a 29-year-old can be so nonplussed when his family remarks that he ought to get on with having a family of his own.

As it happens, I heard this story right before church. The sermons at my church have sortof been all about growing up. The theme has been not limping between two opinions (God and Baal in the story) because dawdling is the same as making the wrong choice. They’ve been encouraging us to find the places in our own lives where we are just limping along, refusing to step out in faith into what we’ve been asked to do.

We were charged this past Sunday with taking our roles seriously: our roles as fathers, mothers, teachers, bosses, husbands, wives. It occurred to me as our priest listed all the roles he could think of that my friend in the seat next to me was none of them. Not a husband. Not a father. In short, not committed to anyone outside of himself. Of course he’d say he is committed to God (and that’s true and important), and that he is committed to a loving attitude toward people generally, and that he is dedicated to certain socio-political philosophies and their implementation. Maybe he would say he is committed to paying off his student loans. But none of those things are very concrete, and none of them are people. I, like my friend, am not living one of those roles. Unfortunately, being a wife and mother isn’t the sort of job we can apply for. It takes a mature man who recognizes the value he gets from committing to a woman. He has to grow up and act before we are able to do the job God has made us for.

When you are 22, you can look at a close female friend and say, “oh, we’re just friends.” If you are “just friends” with the same girl seven years later, you’ve gotten it wrong. That’s the girl you should have married. (And you can still get it right!) Because in mature adulthood, there is no such thing as “that girl you’re good friends with.” That isn’t one of the roles. That’s the girl you should marry, and you are limping, uncommitted, living for yourself instead of taking your life seriously. Friends was a t.v. show that totally ignored the normal course of life. They married off the friends in the end, but in real life, you aren’t supposed to wait until the series ends. At 29, it should not scandalize you that your grandmother thinks you should get on with things.