on our own

A blogger for Rachel Maddow discovered an admittedly strange Fox panel discussing a recent Pew study that found women are the primary breadwinners in 40% of American households. The blogger makes a good point that everyone on the panel was male, and for my part, I thought it was pretty unfortunate that they seemed so emotional and threatened when they expressed that men are supposed to be “dominant.”

I agree that this statistic probably indicates a problem in our society. But as a woman, I might talk about it differently.

Someone told me a story recently: When she was younger she was part of a Christian young adult group of some kind, and all these single young women were distressed that none of the men in the group would marry them. She met her husband in that group, and he later told her that the young men noted among themselves that all those young women seemed too independent: the men didn’t feel they were needed, and it was a turn-off. She was surprised, because all of those women really wanted caretakers! But if nobody offers himself, what are they supposed to do? They have to hold themselves up, pretend things are fine. They have to work to support themselves. They have to smile.

Another story: Once, a young-adult group I was in welcomed a registered sex offender into its midst. I was pretty uncomfortable with it. And of course it was just my luck that he set his creepy sights on me (he was a lot younger, creepy in an emotionally clingy way, not in a physically threatening way). The sex offender went to my best friend–and the only man in my life who could serve as my defender–and asked if I was available. My friend said yes! He said yes! He gave a sex offender permission to pursue me! When I later expressed dismay, he said, “Well, I wondered whether I should try to stop him, but I figured you were able to take care of yourself.” That is one of the most sickening things I’ve ever heard.

It’s true; I can tell a guy to leave me alone. But that’s because I have to. What are women supposed to do when the men whom God has given responsibility for taking care of them just abdicate?

A young man I know talks a big talk about men being leaders, initiators, protectors, providers. But he absolutely refuses to apply his theory to his own life. While all his friends have paired off with the young women in their lives, he remains alone, wagging his finger at everyone else. (He seems to think masculinity means he should date a new girl every month so he can feel like a ladies’ man, and as long as he opens doors for women he’s done all that has been asked of him.) Right next to him is a girl, his best friend, who suits him like a glove and gives him a lot of care and companionship and help. She lives alone. She is looking for work, because the things she wants to do with her life don’t pay much. She’d like more than anything to be a wife and mother for her best friend. When she expresses concern about her future, he blithely suggests she get a job selling things door-to-door. When she feels alone, companionless, he suggests she hang out with her younger sister’s college-age friends. That is, when God has given him a straightforward opportunity to be a leader to a woman who really needs it, from him specifically, he says to her: you’re on your own! Fend for yourself. Even your best friend won’t take care of you. Nobody wants to be responsible for your wellbeing. Sell things door-to-door. Act like a college student forever.

It is a huge betrayal. It is easy to correct, if he finds the bravery to step up to the plate. But if even the women who clearly want men to be their leaders are turned away like this, I see little hope for us to re-build a healthy society based on strong marriages and families.

So, maybe it is a problem that 40% of households are supported by women. But I bet it isn’t just that women are trying to compete with men (as the panel suggests). We’ve been abandoned, even by those who more than most should know better.